Difficult Conversations
A Guide On How to Discuss What Matters Most
A difficult conversation is anything one finds hard to talk about. This book can help alleviate the stress and provide the tools to successful problem solving.
Difficult Conversations was first published in 1999 and its Five Step Process is still timely and applicable. Instructors of conflict management courses and workshops across North America use this book as recommended reading for their students.
Practical Examples of Real Conversations
Woven through the text are practical examples of real conversations between actual people in conflict with one and another. The means and ways to direct a conversation back to purposeful negotiation methods are also provided. When and how to walk away from a difficult conversation is covered as well, along with suggestions on how to deal with the resultant emotions of leaving be an argument. It is always good to know how to pick and choose one’s battles.
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project have compiled the results of their research into this compact, practical and invaluable guide on how to handle awkward conversations.
Whether as a parent, partner, employee or consumer, one faces difficult conversation on a daily basis. Difficult Conversations draws upon the project’s multi-disciplinary research on the ways and means of negotiation. The authors have encapsulated their findings in to a stress and anxiety reducing Five Step Process to successfully working through a difficult conversation.
Step 1: Three Conversations: The initial step is to identify and sort out the three parts of the conversation:
- What is the real story here? What happened or is happening?
- What are the emotions involved for each party?
- Identity – what does the story and subsequent emotions reveal about each participant’s stake in the matter?
Step 2: Purpose, Time, and Place
The second step clarifies the purpose and necessity of the conversation.
- What is the purpose of the conversation and is the purpose worth pursuing?
- Is this the right time and place to hold this conversation?
Step 3: Starting Point
This next step is literally taking a step back in order to view the issue from each participant’s perspective. Does each side actually have a common purpose? Extend an invitation to the other participant to help explore the possibility of a common purpose.
Step 4: Explore Both Sides
A continuation of the previous step, the basics of resolution are covered in Step 4 and involve:
- Listening in order to understand.
- Sharing each other’s viewpoints, past experiences and feelings.
- Reframe the conversation away from blame to the more successful stance of positive contributions necessary for effective problem-solving.
Step 5: Problem Solving
Problem solving often requires a lot of listening, sharing and reframing.
- Look for options that address each side.
- Decide which standards should apply. Maybe it is time to do something a new or different way.
- Keep talking, listening and reframing until the problem is solved or until all alternatives are exhausted and the problem is resolved.
Difficult Conversations is a publication of the Harvard Negotiation Project. It follows their first bestseller Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher and William Ury and on the heels of Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations by William Ury.
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. (1999), Penguin Books: New York, ISBN 0-14-028852-X
